His travel plans include a woman

Carolyn: What are your thoughts about people in committed relationships going on vacation (alone) with members of the opposite sex? My boyfriend of six months, who professes a commitment to our relationship, is planning an extended vacation through Europe with an additional trip to Africa (Country X). While there, he plans on hiking around the countryside with a young, single friend of his who happens to live there. I discovered this only through repeated questions (e.g., “So, do you know anyone in Country X?” “What prompted you to visit Country X?” “How did you meet your friend in Country X?” “Will you be staying with said friend?”) over the course of a couple of weeks. He has volunteered zero information to me. When I finally found out about this hiking trip and indicated my discomfort, he stated that he would have no problem with my going away with a friend of the opposite sex.

I see two big issues: First, why the secrecy? Second, why the vacation with this other woman? It seems to me that he is either being actively dishonest or just really isn’t all that committed to our relationship. We’re in our early thirties if that matters. Am I behaving in an overly possessive, sexist way here? – Perplexed

He’s not going on vacation (alone) with a member of the opposite sex. We’ll mark this Needless Escalation 3. He’s going on vacation (alone), and including on his itinerary a visit to a member of the opposite sex.

Needless Escalation 2: “Why the vacation with this other woman?” As I read your letter, the question that formed in my mind was, why not? Having a friend in a position to show us around a foreign country is, for most of us, a rare and, frankly, obvious opportunity. You’re seeing it only as a threat. Put yourself in his place. Open your mind. Do better.

I urge this even though his secrecy is, clearly, Needless Escalation No. 1. Had he just said, “I’ll be stopping in Country X to visit and hike with my friend Gladys,” assuming he has no history of hide-and-sneak, then I imagine – well, maybe just hope – we wouldn’t be having this conversation. Or if you had, during the initial stages of his reticence, just suggested he cut the (bleep) and discuss his plans like an adult.

Which brings us to this: Either he has something to hide and you’re overreacting to that, or you have a tendency to overreact and he’s hiding from that. Or both.

And if, as 30-somethings, you don’t have the skeletal structure to handle saying/hearing, “I’m being possessive and you’re being secretive and we’re both dancing around this like kids,” then that’s the basic obstacle to solving the basic problem. Get the truth out there.