Slouch gives ESPN family a 24-hour look

A generation ago – when I was younger, stronger and not yet doomed by botched LASIK surgery – I watched 24 consecutive hours of sports on TV. Alternately exhilarated and exhausted, at times it brought tears to my eyes; that could not happen today due to the botched LASIK surgery.

Now, in the bold, new world of HD wonder – well, I don’t have HD; why bother with a clearer picture that I can’t see due to botched LASIK surgery? – I decided to do it again.

Why? Because it’s always there. Except this time, as a nod to the power of the Bristol cable empire, I chose to go 24 hours in a row watching only my family of ESPN networks. Here are highlights of my journey:

Noon: On “1st and Ten,” Skip Bayless is in a tizzy over Johan Santana.

12:07 p.m.: Bayless is in a tizzy over Kerry Wood.

12:21: Bayless is in a tizzy over the NFL’s Week 1 primetime schedule.

12:46: Larry the Cable Guy’s hawking NutriSystem? Uh, I’ll just keep eating badly.

1:22: On “NFL Live,” Todd McShay has “Today’s Draft Minute” – does Mel Kiper Jr. know about this?

1:38: If you missed “The Jim Rome Show” on radio, that’s OK – he plays clip after clip on “Jim Rome Is Burning.”

2:32: “Around the Horn” is followed by “PTI.” If I wanted to see this many old guys shouting at each other every day, I’d move to Boca Raton.

3:02: “SportsCenter” momentarily loses its picture; college frat houses nationwide shut down.

3:11: Spygate is still in the news. (If this Matt Walsh doesn’t surface soon, maybe they’ll try to track down Julius and Ethel Rosenberg.)

3:49: The NFL approves use of defensive helmet radios. (For the Lions, they’ll be useless without a GPS receiver.)

4:23: Aw, man, I almost forgot about ESPNU. Rice-Texas baseball is on right now, live!

4:32: Nancy Lieberman is simultaneously on ESPN2, announcing women’s basketball, and on ESPN Classic, competing in an old “American Gladiators.”

5:26: In the Texas A&M-Tennessee women’s basketball regional final, the first free throw of the game comes with 9:48 left in the second half. I may never watch another men’s game.

6:57: Tanner Foust – yes, Tanner Foust – hosts the classic car auction, where a 1936 Mercedes-Benz 540K Special Cabriolet fetches $1.85 million. (Why did I ever give up my ‘87 Plymouth Horizon?)

7:28: Yo, Geno Auriemma: Sit down already.

7:39: “American Gladiators” features gold medalists Tyrell Biggs and Bill Johnson; I’m not sure if the Soviets boycotted the show that year.

8:14: I’m watching “Xtreme bulls” and let me say something that most of you already know: Cooper Kanngiesser can flat-out ride.

9:15: On “NASCAR Now,” they’re talking about expectations for Chad McNamee. I have none.

10:04: From AWA wrestling, circa 1986: “You can’t sell these Alaskans short.”

10:22: ESPN’s SportsNation online, we’re told, gets 138,000 responses on which NBA Western Conference powerhouse won’t make the playoffs. Boy, America is getting out the vote this year.

1:01 a.m.: Oh, poker’s on. Cool.

2:01: More poker? Maybe I’ve fallen asleep and I’m just dreaming.

3:14: ESPNews is showing a lot of highlights.

4:14: ESPNews is showing a lot of the same highlights again. What the heck; where am I going?

4:21: On “Kiana’s Flex Appeal,” Kiana says she trains each body part twice a week. I rest each body part twice an hour.

5:52: Isn’t Wesley Snipes in trouble with taxes? He’s in the Total Gym with Chuck Norris. Go get him, feds!

7:36: Billiards – my third-favorite TV sport – is on, with Allison Fisher running the table!

9:13: Bayless is in a tizzy about Pedro Martinez; at least he changed shirts.

11:59: I know I’m getting tired – every time I close my eyes, I see Andy Katz.

Ask The Slouch

Q. Will Barack Obama bowling a 37 cost him the uber-influential Couch Slouch endorsement? (Joe Murphy; Falls Church, Va.)

A. Actually, I’m leaning toward a Green Party candidate who reportedly picked up a 7-10 split.

Q. Who is your pick to win the World Series of Lying – Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens or Hillary Clinton? (Ezra Angrist; Rexford, N.Y.)

A. Fathead and Vioxx Boy are tough, but the former First Lady has an ace in the hole – Slick Willie.

Q. Where were you when David Beckham scored his first MLS goal? (Alex Smith; Redondo Beach, Calif.)

A. I think I was in the can, reading Bowlers Journal International.

Q. If aliens decided to land at Augusta National during Tiger Woods’ backswing, how long after he finishes his shot should we wait to take pictures? (Charles Nebe; Eastlake, Ohio)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.