Phony degrees came long before Internet

My jaw bounced off the floor this week when I read that 6,000 or so customers bought phony college degrees off the Internet from a Spokane-area diploma mill.

You know what this means?

This means nothing has really changed since the days when I was in school.

Yes, to many, getting that coveted college degree is even more special if you can get it without having to study or attend any classes.

Which makes running a diploma mill a great moneymaking opportunity for these recessionary times.

True, you have to be more careful than Dixie and Steve Randock, the Colbert couple facing trial on charges that they sold the aforementioned counterfeit degrees and transcripts.

One tidbit from the story caught my eye: the part that said the Randocks “used a Hillyard print shop …”

Har. I can hear my Hillyard pals laughing. It’s not often rough and rowdy Hillyard gets mentioned as a hub of higher learning, even fake higher learning.

But come on. When you think about it, Hillyard actually has a lot of things in common with Harvard.

For example:

“Harvard is located in the Northeast.

“Hillyard is located in northeast Spokane.

“Harvard has produced some our greatest members of the bar.

“Hillyard has produced many of our greatest bar fights.

“Getting a sheepskin from Harvard is quite an accomplishment.

“Getting out of Hillyard with your skin is sometimes even more of an accomplishment.

In my humble opinion, the Randocks went wrong by selling degrees from actual collegiate institutions like Texas A&M, the University of Maryland and George Washington University.

Allegedly.

My diploma mill will offer degrees only from the non-accredited and fully imaginary University of Doug.

(The B.S. in B.S. is most requested.)

Does it matter? After all, how often does anyone ask to see your diploma?

I couldn’t even find my diploma on a bet.

And lord help me if anyone ever asked to see my transcripts.

I went to Eastern Washington back when they called it a college, but it was more like a high school with ashtrays.

It wasn’t the school’s fault. I got pretty good grades when flunking out of school meant an instant transfer to the University of Run Through the Jungle.

Now that was incentive.

Then the Vietnam War started winding down. The draft board stopped looking at me as fresh meat.

Enjoying the college experience became a much higher priority in my life. So I began signing up for cake classes like First Aid, Storytelling and Choir.

Yes. I said Storytelling.

I did take one serious class. It was a world literature course. The final was on Don Quixote.

Boy, I learned a lot from that class.

I learned you should NEVER take a test on Don Quixote without first reading the book.

You should have seen the look of disappointment on my face when I got back my blown exam.

The prof had circled the section where I answered the question “who was Rocinante?” by writing “Don Quixote’s girlfriend.”

What I’m saying is that the best education isn’t always found in a classroom.

Education is what you experience in real life.

Over the years I’ve earned a doctorate in Politicians Lying Through Their Crooked Teeth.

I have a master’s degree in How to Get a City Official to Spill His Guts.

When it comes down to it, sometimes a degree from the School of Hard Knocks like Hillyard will get you farther in life than a piece of paper from some Ivy League academy.

Oh, yeah. Rocinante was apparently Don Quixote’s horse.

But who knows?

I still haven’t read the thing.