Tuffy gives insight into Iditarod grind

The Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race – a 1,150-mile trek across Alaska – is near its conclusion. Tuffy the Snow Prince, a 55-pound Siberian husky on musher Spoons Grabilovitch’s sled team, agreed to Couch Slouch’s request to keep a daily log. Here are excerpts of Tuffy’s Iditarod journal:

Day 1: Before the race, they check out our teeth, tonsils, eyes, heart, lungs, joints and feet; you’d think we each were trying to take out a $10 million life insurance policy. … I hate urine tests – the cup is too small. And, heck, why don’t they test the mushers? …

I can’t stand the ceremonial start in Anchorage every year. Too many people. On the other hand, it’s the last place till Nome we see a lot of fire hydrants.

Day 2: Do I think defending champion Lance Mackey’s canines are doping? Look at how thick those dogs’ coats are – you tell me. … The best part about the trail down Dalzell Gorge? No fleas. … They always want us to go over “frozen” lakes. Hey, you go first, pal. … It’s all about pain management. You think anyone cares that I’ve got bruised ribs and an upper paw sprain? …

Global warming, my butt.

Day 3: Some folks wax poetic over the glory of the Mississippi or the power of the Nile. Me? I’ll take the south fork of the Kushokwim River. … There’s that old expression: If you’re not the lead dog, the view doesn’t change. Like I’m not tired of staring at Sasha’s backside all afternoon. … I’d wag my tail, but it’s so cold, I can’t even feel my tail. …

God, I hate the mountain passes.

Day 4: We’re hauling butt out there six, eight hours a day, and they’re still serving up Alpo every night? What, the dog-food industry hasn’t heard of “organic” yet? … I’m reminded of that old joke where the baby polar bear keeps asking the mother polar bear if he really is a polar bear because he’s cold all the time. Because I’m freezing, too. … You never know when you’re going to run into a pregnant moose on the trail.

Now, this is frozen tundra.

Day 5: I swear, if Gopher Lord comes up to sniff my behind one more time without asking first, there will be blood at the Sulatna Crossing. … Spoons says we have to be “tougher” than the other teams, so we sleep without heaters. … If we’re man’s best friend, I’d hate to see what he does to his enemies. … I’ll say this, though: They go around picking up our poop all day long. So you tell me who’s got who on a short leash. …

I’d kill for a Petco right now.

Day 6: If Spoons says, “Mush!” one more time when I’m giving him 110 percent up a treacherous climb, you will see a “Dog Bites Man” headline. … You goof off in obedience school and you end up in a driving blizzard on the shore of the Bering Sea. … The race is televised by Versus? Versus? Geez. I wish there were an ESPN3. … Spoons talks a good game, but believe you me, he’s no Susan Butcher. …

I should’ve gone to med school.

Day 7: You probably heard about that business last year in which Ramy Brooks’ team refused to leave a checkpoint in Golovin. He had it coming – he treated ‘em like dogs. … Hey, would it kill Spoons to spring for lambskin sweaters for each of us? … Just wanted to give a shout-out to one of my old buddies, Jailbait, who was part of the Michael Vick dogfighting biz. Sad, sad case. … We could use GPS. I mean, where are we?

Man, my paws are filthy.

Day 8: The winning driver gets $75,000 and a new pickup truck. And the dogs? We get a pat on the head and a water-bowl refill. I hate people. … Then there’s office politics: Dazzler and Beelzebub always get their treats first because they always bark disingenuously when Spoons scratches their heads. … Boy, this collar’s absolutely killing me. … Mamas don’t let’s their puppies grow up to be sled dogs. …

I hate slush.

Day 9: I saw some highlights from the Westminster Kennel Club show last month. Now, that’s the life.

Ask The Slouch

Q. When Brett Favre signed his retirement papers, did he do it in classic Favre style, falling away and off his back foot? (Stephen Maxwell; Colorado Springs, Colo.)

A. Yes, plus he announced plans to wear Wrangler jeans on 258 consecutive trips to the lake.

Q. If you used steroids, would your writing improve or would you just write faster? (Robert Lynch; Albany, N.Y.)

A. I just started on tetrahydrogestrinone, and, with any luck, I’ll have Marion Jones’ biography done by dusk.

Q. Have you ever been in the pits during a NASCAR race and hit in the head with a flying lug nut during a tire change? (Fred Gafner; Greenfield, Wis.)

A. No, but I had a divorce lawyer serve me with papers during Game 4 of the 1989 World Series.

Q. Am I watching too much college basketball? Every day at 4:00, 8:00 and 12:00, I stop what I’m doing and look around for a TV timeout. (Charles Precht; Houston)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.