Annie’s Mailbox: Instead of intervention, offer handout

Dear Annie: Our 34-year-old daughter, “Simone,” a single mother of two, has an excellent, high-paying job and spends 70 to 80 hours each week at work. In the meantime, her children are with me, my wife or their other grandparents.

Simone lives next door to us in a very nice home that she inherited. She pays only real estate taxes and insurance. But the house is a complete mess. There is no place one can normally walk. The carpet is so filthy it will need to be replaced rather than cleaned, the sink is full of dirty dishes and her bedroom is a pigsty. She frequently delivers her 6-year-old daughter late to school. Simone is behind in her credit card payments because of her and her ex’s “instant gratification” habits. She’s been in credit counseling for several months.

In spite of all this, Simone is a pretty, charming, intelligent, educated young lady with a fiance who loves her dearly, as do all the members of her family. The older adults in her extended family care for the children with great love.

We are concerned that the local child protection agency might object to the way Simone is living and caring for her children. Even though we are in agreement that something must be done, we are unsure how to proceed. Is it time for a family intervention? If not, then what? – Older and Wiser

Dear Older and Wiser: Unless someone reports Simone to the authorities, no one will investigate her pigsty. It is very difficult for a single mother with a demanding job to also be a thorough housekeeper, and once things get out of control, it’s overwhelming to get organized. We suspect she’s doing the best she can. Your assistance with the child care is an enormous help, but before a family intervention, try a family handout. Hire someone to clean her house. Then suggest to Simone that she have cleaning help come regularly if she can afford it. Without being critical, help her understand that her children will function better in an organized home and it will make her life easier.

Dear Annie: We are having a 50th wedding anniversary party. Is it OK to put “No gifts, please” on the invitation? I say yes, my wife says no. You will rule. – Pennsylvania

Dear Pennsylvania: According to strict etiquette, no mention of gifts should be in the invitation, since it presupposes that guests are expected to get you something.

You can pass the word through close friends or family members that you don’t want any gifts, or that you prefer a donation to a specific charity.