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Trapped between fiancée, sister

Judith Martin Universal Uclick

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am having trouble with my sister, Caroline, and my fiancée, Emily. Caroline is my twin, and she is married and has a 9-month-old baby girl.

Caroline has done nothing to endear herself to Emily. Emily has tried to be friends, and Caroline rebuffs every attempt.

Emily wanted the wedding to be adults only, but Caroline simply told her that the baby was part of the family and would be coming.

Caroline has now responded to a bachelorette party invitation by first saying she would come for one day, and now saying that it is too far to drive.

As for the baby at the wedding – she is my niece, and I don’t see what the big deal is in having her.

Naturally, Emily thinks I should be supporting her more. Who is right? Who is wrong? Do I have to be in the middle, or should Emily call Caroline and tell her how she feels?

GENTLE READER: You are in the middle, and you will be living there ever after if you don’t settle this now.

The worst thing you could do would be to take sides. These are not combatants; they are, or soon will be, your family. The successful diplomat leaves everyone thinking that he sympathizes with her.

Therefore, you do not tell Caroline that she should be participating more in the wedding, that she should understand that her baby is not welcome, or anything of the sort. Rather, you say: “Emily wants so much to be friends with you, which would also mean a lot to me, and she is afraid that she might have inadvertently offended you. We wish Zinnia were a bit older so that she could be a flower girl, but of course we want her at the wedding.”

And how do you explain this to Emily? You do not tell her that she has to compromise. Rather, you say: “You know I will always be supportive of you, in every way. I’m sorry Caroline is being standoffish and snippy, but I think we can bring her around. It may be that she is just frazzled with the baby, so letting her bring her would help. Besides, Zinnia will be your niece, and I know you feel as I do that family is important.”