Miss Manners: Giving oneself the benefit of the doubt, in advance

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I submit that even if my conduct is incorrect, I am entitled to a presumption that said conduct is an honest mistake, unless the conduct is truly heinous – which, in my case, it never is. Of course, others are likewise entitled to the same presumption from me. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: Indeed, Miss Manners is always urging people to give minor transgressors the benefit of a doubt about whether they meant to be rude. The automatic tendency to come out swinging at the slightest provocation makes for an unpleasantly abrasive society. And some who did intend to be rude will still accept the opportunity for a face-saving retreat when a transgression is treated as an inadvertent mistake.

However, Miss Manners would perhaps prefer that you apply this when necessary, rather than use it to build a case for yourself in advance.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Apparently at Thanksgiving, my husband’s sister winked at him and said, “You’ll have Thanksgiving at your house next year.” My husband said ‘OK’ without even asking me first.

I have not hosted an event like this in the time we have been together, and I am sure it is time for me to do so. I don’t necessarily have a problem doing it, but I feel very strongly that he should have consulted me first before agreeing. Especially since I am going to have to shoulder the burden of the work involved.

He thinks that he did nothing wrong in agreeing because it was all in fun. My main argument is that if he thinks he is right and what he did was OK, then what’s to stop him from making other plans without consulting me first?

Now he thinks I am a jerk because I am upset about it. I tried to explain to him that most people would feel the way I do. How do you feel about this?

GENTLE READER: While Miss Manners agrees that spouses should consult each other about issuing invitations, she would cut some slack for someone at a drawn-out meal cornered about an event in the distant future. This may be forgotten, or could be renegotiated 11 months from now. And if not, it gives your husband plenty of time to learn to cook, if he doesn’t already know how.