Miss Manners 10/28

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I can’t believe I have to write this. When my daughter, who lives in a large city that had a recent mass shooting event, hosted a party at her home, one of the guests, who had recently obtained a concealed carry permit, brought his loaded gun.

My daughter was mortified and insisted the gun be stored safely locked in another room for the evening. Do we now have to stipulate “no guns allowed” now?

This man is very close friends with her in-laws, and she now feels uncomfortable attending any event where he and his wife may go.

Does she have to ask, “Will the husband be bringing his gun?” She will likely just avoid all encounters, but it will cause a rift unless she says exactly why – which will still cause a rift.

GENTLE READER: But you say this is a close family friend. Cannot close friends discuss an important issue on which they differ without causing a rift?

Miss Manners lives in the real world, so she knows the answer.

But your daughter could try that before avoiding this couple. The tactful way to put it would be, “I know you are bringing your gun with the idea of protecting us, which we appreciate. But the fact is that we are frightened to be in a room with a loaded gun. We hope to see you here without it, but would appreciate it if you tell us if you are bringing it wherever else we might meet.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In a Paris Metro, a well-behaved young man offered me his seat (I am 68 and I guess it showed). Before I could thank him, my husband of more than 40 years said “thanks.”

I was miffed, because this seemed patronizing – something that he is unfortunately prone to, but refuses to acknowledge. So I asked him what he was thanking the young man for. He asked, irritated, what my problem was. Of course, I dropped the subject; no one wants to listen to an old couple argue, even if it’s in a foreign language.

I may have been a bit slow to thank him, because I wanted to explain something to the young man in my limited French. But I would have figured it out before the next stop.

Is it polite for a husband to thank someone offering a seat to his wife?

GENTLE READER: When the wife has not done it, oui. Miss Manners is afraid that by the time you thought of the word “merci,” the well-behaved young man would have moved on.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Over the last few years, I’ve noticed that when I approach the counter at a coffee shop or takeaway restaurant, instead of asking “How may I help you?,” “Would you like to place an order?” or something of that nature, the staff person simply stares at me expectantly.

Though it is obvious what our roles are, it feels demanding to start asking for items without an entry from the staff. What is the best way to handle this?

GENTLE READER: By stating your order, or whatever question you might have before doing so. As you point out, the roles are understood, and Miss Manners sees no reason to require an invitation.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website www.missmanners.com.