Hurt Feelings Are The Point Of Reprimands
My petitioner and I were in the lobby of an auditorium in which I was about to speak in Lancaster, Pa., talking about a relatively minor discipline problem she was experiencing with her 6-year-old son. I asked how her husband reacted to it.
“Well,” she answered, “to tell you the truth, I don’t really trust my husband to discipline the kids.”
“Why not?” I asked. “Does he tend to be overly physical?”
“Oh, no,” she replied. “He doesn’t even believe in spanking.”
“So what’s the problem?”
“He hurts their feelings.”
I looked at her for a moment, sizing up my options, before deciding to go for it.
“Well, actually, that’s the idea,” I said.
She looked dumbfounded. “No! I mean, you can’t be serious.”
“Yes, indeed, I’m dead serious,” I replied. “Discipline doesn’t work unless it hurts the child’s feelings. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not talking about causing permanent damage. I’m talking about causing a little pain.”
Children are not adults. A responsible adult, when he wrongs someone else, is capable of imposing penance upon himself and prescribing appropriate atonement. If, for example, he insults someone in a moment of pique, he will later feel chagrined and apologize. If he possesses a sufficient conscience, no one needs to tell him to feel bad or beg pardon. He does so on his own.
Not so with children. The younger the child, the more necessary it becomes - when the child does something wrong - that an adult impose penance upon the child and mandate appropriate atonement. Helping a child understand that he did something wrong usually requires making the child feel bad - as in, hurting the child’s feelings.
The “sting” of discipline creates a permanent memory, one that serves to inhibit future behavior of the same sort. Without the sting, the memory will not form - nor, therefore, the inhibition.
The accumulation of such painful memories constitutes what is known as conscience, and a person so endowed is capable of being a functional member of society.
This is the “price” humans pay for the relative protection of civilization. When there are too few such “inhibited” individuals, civilization begins to come apart at the seams.
For all these reasons, I wanted to shake this woman and scream, “Wake up! Please, for everyone’s sake, wake up!” Instead, I patiently explained what every prior generation of American parents grasped without explanation.
The question becomes: If it has to be explained, will it ever again be understood?
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The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = John Rosemond The Charlotte Observer