You Must Wait Until They Beg You

Dear Miss Manners: Since childhood, I’ve wondered when it is right to play - instruments or voice - for others. I’ve been a performing musician for many years.

If someone has a keyboard that is visible while you’re in their home, sometimes I ask if I may play it or sing a song for them. I can tell by their tone whether it would please them. If they keep the conversation going with their guests and say, “If you want to,” I usually don’t.

Throughout the years, I’ve known friends who bring their guitar, banjo, keyboard, etc., to a friend’s party and the musician waits until he or she is asked to play by the hostess. Another situation is in our club, where the piano is locked away and there is no host in charge. Should I ask if they’d like me to play, or do several people express that wish and then have security unlock the piano? Then do I play one or two songs or compositions and quit?

Should I thank people for listening, or do they thank me for playing? Or do I keep playing as long as they are enjoying the music? How does a musician know when to bow out? Watch the clock and time yourself? Quit while you’re ahead? Play for my own enjoyment until tired?

Gentle Reader: You were born into the wrong era. A century ago, you would have been immensely popular, called upon to play everywhere you went. A bit of music from the guests was a social staple, and those who provided it with enthusiasm and skill were treasured among the vast numbers who balked and squeaked.

It is with a heavy heart that Miss Manners must tell you that in our own era, when people cannot so much as chew gum or sell hardware unless they are simultaneously supplied with canned noise, it is no longer considered proper to offer to perform live music.

You must wait to be begged. For the pathos of the situation, Miss Manners recommends listening to the late dear Gracie Fields singing “I Took My Harp to the Party (And Nobody Asked Me to Play).”

Should this occur, you must still appear to quit after each selection and only be dragged back - once or twice - by renewed begging. It’s not just a matter of quitting while you are ahead; it is more quitting while audience enthusiasm is ahead of yours. In order to thank them for their compliments, you have to make sure you have gotten some.

Should you not be asked, you may ask others to perform - that is, ask them if they would like to sing, and offer to play for them as they do. That way, you can keep begging them for more without seeming guilty of monopolizing people’s attention (or trying but failing to do so). With any luck, people will realize how much better your music is than theirs, and beg for a solo.

You might also give a musical party, featuring yourself and perhaps one or two others on a short program followed by refreshments and conversation. Miss Manners assures you that many people would be thrilled to be invited to a musical evening, and those who would be horrified (they are also numerous, Miss Manners regrets to say) will have been warned.

Dear Miss Manners: I thought that if an unexpected holiday card arrived, the receiver should reciprocate, even if he or she had not planned on sending out cards. Was I right to be unpleasantly surprised by such comments as “Thank you for your Christmas card. We won’t be sending out any, but we enjoyed receiving yours”? Or is this the new practice?

Gentle Reader: Christmas greetings are greetings, not mandatory paperwork, and may be delivered verbally, as well as by card.

So all these people had to say was “Merry Christmas; thank you for your card.” The innovation that Miss Manners deems unpleasant is the announcement that they will not be sending cards. There is no gracious way to make negative announcements about what you have decided not to do for people.

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Judith Martin United Features Syndicate