New Double Whopper Is Bunderful

This week I reached out for a Double Whopper, the biggest, baddest burger yet at Burger King.

Here’s the blueprint: two quarter-pound beef patties, cheese, pickles, ketchup, onions, lettuce, tomatoes and secret sauce on a toasted sesame seed bun.

Total calories: 960. Fat grams: 63.

There is a French expression, “moins plus,” which roughly translates to “less is more.”

Nuts to that. Without getting into the whole Jerry Lewis thing, the French are wrong. Less is not more. More is more! The more the merrier! Throw another burger on my Whopper, big daddy.

It looks like I’ll be keeping my shirt on at the beach.

With the introduction of the Double Whopper, the best burger in the drive-thru lane just got even better. Now it’s doubly bunderful! At Burger King, you “have it your way.” With apologies to Frank Sinatra, “my way” is no cheese, no onions, no lettuce, no pickles, no tomatoes and no secret sauce.

Of course, it would be much easier to say, “Just ketchup.” But that would blow such a fuse in the cash register that flame-broiling technology would be rocked back to the ice age.

And who wants frozen burgers? You could chip a tooth.

As America’s leading critic of food that’s bad for you, I’m often asked, “How come you’re not 500 pounds and sweatin’ to the oldies with Richard Simmons?”

Well, I have two secrets. One, which I don’t like to talk about, is frequent liposuction. My plastic surgeon just started a “frequent liposuction club.” He punches a card each time I go. Five more visits and I get my eyes done for free.

My other secret is to avoid cheese and mayonnaise. Cheese is just fat that’s gone yellow. And mayo may be the only food that doesn’t change appearance after you eat it. It just stays a gloppy, greasy, slimy mess in your arteries.

I’ve quit mayo cold turkey. It was hard, too, since I love mayo on cold turkey. (Now I’m trying to quit cold turkey, too, but I’m doing it gradually.)

Anyway, if you hold the cheese and mayo, a Double Whopper slims down to 695 calories and “only” 38 fat grams. A regular, single-burger Whopper, fully loaded, has 730 calories and 46 grams of fat. By sacrificing the condiments, your waistline is saving calories and fat and getting a second burger free!