Quiet Child Who Doesn’t Call Friends No Cause For Concern
Q. I am concerned about my 11-year-old son. He is an excellent student and is involved in music, soccer and golf. He is kind-hearted and adored by adults. The problem is he is a very quiet boy and would spend his time reading and playing with the computer and Nintendo if we allowed it.
He absolutely refuses to initiate friendships. Other kids seem to enjoy his company and he will play if they initiate the contact, but he absolutely refuses to call his friends or even knock on our neighbor’s door. When we get together with other families he tends to listen in on the adult conversations and must be reminded to play with the other kids. He has a normal relationship with his two siblings. He is also a perfectionist who often agonizes over his homework, and spends two to three times the recommended time allowance to complete his work. He enjoys the news, reading sports regulations, rule books and recently read our new vehicle’s owner’s manual from cover to cover. He enjoys debating politics and discussing science and technology. He appears relatively content with his life, but we are increasingly concerned that his introverted personality will cause him problems in his teen years, and long-term social consequences. Are we correct in our concerns and what can we do to enhance his social skills? Do you think we should seek counseling?
A. I don’t believe there is cause for concern over his quiet adult-like pattern of interests, particularly if he appears satisfied with his life.
His sibling relationships and the response of friends indicate normal interactions. His participation in soccer, golf and music reflect a balance of interests.
His perfectionistic approach to work and choice of reading material suggest he is somewhat compulsive. Compulsivity in mild form is not considered a disorder.
When compulsive patterns result in bizarre behavior, or interfere with one’s enjoyment of life, progress in school or social interaction they should be evaluated by a physician.
The ability to initiate social contacts is often a genetically linked factor.
Some kids (and adults) approach others easily, and others don’t.
Plan activities that provide him with a built-in peer group. Science programs, space camps, sports camps offer opportunities for him to enjoy his interests with kids his age.
If he continues to show satisfaction with his life, I would not take him for counseling. If he were to become withdrawn or show signs of depression, I would seek help.
Q. I have a 2-year-old son who is so anti-social it drives me crazy. I am a stay-at-home mom and when I take him with me to visit relatives he is fine as long as I stay there. If I leave him so I can run errands, he cries the entire time. He has always been like this. He also has a difficult time when we visit with people he doesn’t know. He screams and claws my husband and me until we are so miserable that we leave.
Is this normal behavior? Will he grow out of it? I’m at my wits end. We try to comfort him and reassure him, but to no avail. He is also a late talker, and I noticed that when he is frustrated, angry or happy he cannot express himself verbally.
A. These anxieties are part of normal development and generally diminish with maturity. The intensity of his reactions suggests that it will take him longer to overcome his fearfulness than the average child.
Enroll in a Mommy and Me program or a parent co-op nursery school. This introduces him to group activities with you present, but includes other kids and stimulating activities to engage his curiosity.
If he continues to show an extreme response to strangers or your absence after several months participation in these groups settings, have him evaluated by a physician.
Send your questions and comments to Cathleen Brown, P.O. Box 6613, Los Osos, CA. 93402. Faster yet, e-mail me: cabrown500@aol.com
The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Cathleen Brown The Spokesman-Review