Search Results Not Always Happy
Dear Ann Landers: In the early ‘60s, I had a baby out of wedlock. Based on the circumstances, the best thing I could do for my child was to give him up for adoption. I have been very comfortable with that decision and never doubted for a minute that it was best for everyone involved.
Since that time, the adoption laws in many states have changed. Now, under certain conditions, a search can be ordered to find one’s birth parents. Well, I have been “found.” I was contacted through a mediator, and my son and I have been exchanging letters and pictures.
I promised myself that I would wait at least six months before making any further decisions. In the meantime, I have been talking with a psychologist. Not another soul knows about this. The psychologist says that, in her experience, most of these reunions are disappointing and people regret having made the search. What are your views on the subject, Ann? My family knows nothing about this part of my life, and I can’t see myself coming out of the closet. - Sleepless in Chicago
Dear Sleepless: My “views” are well known to anyone who reads my column. I do not support searches unless both the adult adopted child and the birth parents agree to it. For every person who is happy he or she was found, there are at least 10 who regret it.
The changing adoption laws have had other unintended consequences. I am saddened by the thought that many children waiting to be adopted will languish in foster homes or orphanages because potential parents are afraid to risk having the child wrenched from them at a later date by the birth parents. And sadder still to consider how lives can be damaged and families torn apart by a stranger who shows up at the door and says, “I’m your child, and I want to be part of your family.”
Dear Ann Landers: Too many people think it’s OK to leave a child unattended in an automobile while they go into a gas station or post office for “just a minute.” Whenever I am tempted to do this, I remember the day I brought my first-born child home from the hospital. My mother said, “Don’t ever leave your child in your car anywhere you wouldn’t leave $1 million cash on the seat.”
If you run this in your column, Ann, please use my name. It would be a wonderful tribute to my very wise mother who passed away two years ago this Christmas. - Vicki Villegas Westfall, Valley Springs, Calif.
Dear Vicki: Here is your letter and a very good one at that, I might add. It takes only a second to snatch a child. Your mother gave you excellent advice. I hope every mother who reads this will pay attention to her wise counsel.
Dear Ann Landers: Here’s one more story about stupid criminals. This happened to my husband, “Jim,” a truck driver.
Jim was on the road one day when two police cars pulled him over. The car right behind him also pulled over. The officers said that the car behind him had called in a report that Jim was weaving all over the road. They gave him a Breathalyzer test and found he was perfectly sober.
Jim suggested they give the driver behind him the same test. They did and discovered he was intoxicated - twice the legal limit. In fact, he was so drunk, he didn’t realize it was he who was weaving all over the road. He actually reported himself! Wouldn’t it be nice if more drunk drivers reported themselves? - His Wife Dear Wife: It would indeed, but don’t hold your breath waiting. I’ve never heard of this before and don’t expect to hear of it again.