Get Over Your Normal Reactions

Dear Miss Manners: I know when you get married, you’re supposed to accept your husband’s family, but where did it ever say that you must accept his ex-family?

I have been divorced for three years and am getting remarried to a wonderful man who has two great children. But his ex-wife’s family members never seem to leave us alone - they always get into our business and then relay information along to her.

I have talked to my future husband about this, and it bothers him too, but he seems afraid to say too much, due to the fact that his ex-mother-in-law baby-sits the kids after school. I have recommended that we hire a babysitter, but we can’t find one, due to the fact that we have a handicapped child.

Do you have any ideas for us? And is this normal?

Gentle Reader: Is it normal for grandmother to want to stay involved in her grandchildren’s lives? Is it normal for a second wife to wish she wouldn’t?

Is it normal to gossip about people to those who are bound to be interested? Is it normal to accept favors from people and still resent them?

Yes, yes, yes, yes. But Miss Manners has never been one to accept normality as an excuse for bad behavior.

You would owe this lady access to your husband’s children even if she were not doing you the enormous favor of taking daily care of them; she is their grandmother. And nothing you can do will prevent her from talking about your family to her daughter and other relatives.

So you might as well just conquer your normal reaction and be gracious to her. If you want another incentive, consider how comforting it might be to the ex-wife to get a report that you are ungracious - and how galling to hear that you are charming.

Dear Miss Manners: We recently attended a theater performance for which we had reserved seats in the center of the row. As a group of four on the end of our row stood to let us by, one of the women asked if we would mind trading seats with her two (adult) nieces on the other end of the row so they could all sit together.

After I overcame my shock, I told her no.

During the intermission, I asked my husband if he agreed with my decision. He did not, thinking I was impolite not to abide by the request. I told him had the situation been reversed, I would have never thought to ask someone to give up their seats, much less have the nerve to do so. I must admit, had we been offered better seats, I would have been tempted to swap. I did not feel I was being unreasonable since no one in their group was sitting alone. Regardless, my decision was based upon the logic that a theater performance is not a social event.

Gentle Reader: No, not exactly, but what does that have to do with it? Are you suggesting that you need to be considerate only of people in your own social circle?

Don’t go into shock again - Miss Manners does not require you to give up your theater seats. Your husband is mistaken if he believes politeness requires you to do whatever people ask of you.

But the polite request to change places so that people who know one another can sit together - not only in a theater, but in airplanes and other public places - is not an outrageous one. It would have been kind of you to be accommodating, but if you did not wish to be, you need only to have said regretfully, “I’m sorry, but I’m afraid we prefer to keep our seats.”