Be Careful Not To Return The Rudeness

Dear Miss Manners: Please exercise your Solomonic judgment on the following example:

Recently my church conducted a solemn evening service with professional singers, a full choir and chanted prayers. A couple with a young child sat down front; the child began talking and was audible throughout the church during the silences. (I saw the choir director casting anguished glances in its direction.) A woman nearby spoke to the mother, but the talking continued.

Later I heard that the mother went in tears to the pastor because she felt hurt by the incident, and that the pastor had asked the woman who had requested silence to apologize. What is the best way to deal with children at adult events? And which was the greater rudeness: causing a disturbance, or politely asking that a child be kept quiet?

Gentle Reader: Solomonic judgment? Are you requesting Miss Manners’ authorization for cutting the baby in half?

True, that would solve the problem eventually - but there would be even more ungodly noise first.

Small children do make noise, and Miss Manners would not want them to be banned from religious services. Their cries, questions and announcements of needing to go to the bathroom should be viewed with tolerance by the congregation - but only provided that they are not so regarded by the child’s parent, who is in charge of minimizing the disturbance.

It should therefore not have been necessary for anyone to speak to the mother, because she should have been in charge of quietly stopping the child’s chatter or removing her. If the mother has no better knowledge than the child that one should not be conversing in church, she doesn’t really belong there, either.

However, now that you seem to have the answer you wanted, Miss Manners is going to turn Solomonic and offer something to the other side. It is her suspicion that she has not been told the full story of childish transgressions.

The polite method of indicating that a child is disturbing people is to give the parent a sympathetic look by way of a prompt. If this is ignored, the next step is to whisper, in a tone suggesting assistance rather than anger, “I’m afraid you’d better take her out.”

Miss Manners cannot imagine that such techniques would have produced maternal tears and pastoral interference. She can think of techniques that would - but these cannot be classified as polite.

It is rude for anyone, even a child, to make noise during a service. It is ruder for a parent to allow this to continue. It is rudest to use rudeness as an excuse to be rude back.

Dear Miss Manners: As president of our local garden club, I’m having trouble with talkers at meetings. After lunch, during our business meeting and program, we have a few members who talk constantly. Is there any polite way I can ask them to refrain without hurting their feelings?

Gentle Reader: It is: “Will the meeting please come to order?” Miss Manners recommends that this be followed by silence on your part after a smart tap of the gavel, if you have one.

Without singling out the talkers, this leaves them the center of attention in an otherwise quiet room, and that usually shuts them up fast. Should they begin again, the second call should be “Order, please. Would any members who wish to talk please step outside the room?” This time it will be not only silence but glares that will help them on their way.