Ask For Separate Bills In The Future
Dear Miss Manners: A friend and I, both senior citizens, have been meeting for luncheon almost once a month over a period of two or three years. Since I am the one who usually settles the bill, although we each pay our own way, I recently proceeded to pay the check after a pleasant hour at table, when I discovered that we had not been charged for two glasses of wine.
Much to the horror and chagrin of my companion, I pointed out the omission to the waiter, who thanked me and left to make the correction. My luncheon companion proceeded to berate me for pointing out the error. After we paid the tab and left, and all the way back to his house, I was barraged with acrimonious attacks on my views of honesty and fair play.
I sincerely believe in treating people as I would expect to be treated. I know my views may not be currently in vogue, but I would hope that in a similar situation, someone would be kind enough to point out my omission.
My neighbor feels that I should reimburse him for the cost of the wine, tax and percentage of the additional tip. He continues to remind me of my foolishness in bringing this matter to the attention of the waiter.
Did I do wrong? I still try to obey the Commandment that states “Thou Shalt Not Steal!”
Gentle Reader: Even though it may not be in vogue? Even though you are worried that it may be wrong?
Miss Manners is not in the habit of discouraging comradeship, and you seemed to have had a companionable arrangement. Right up until the point that your friend revealed himself to be not only dishonest, not only rude but rude because you are not equally dishonest.
It should hardly be necessary to say that you owe him nothing. Miss Manners’ own inclination would be to fling the money at this person and call it quits, although you may not want to take insult quite so dramatically. Being called dishonest requires defending one’s honor, but being called honest does not.
Should you choose to continue the association, you should at least insist upon being given separate bills, as your morals are so widely separated.
Dear Miss Manners: How do I tell people that I do not loan tools?
As a woodworker who prides himself not only on his woodcraft but his tool collection, I am often asked by less endowed neighbors to borrow this or that. While I maintain a small collection of “loaners,” often the request is for one of the more obscure items that would not normally be found in the kitchen drawer. These are the items that I am particularly opposed to loaning since in many cases they once belonged to dear departed relatives, carry great sentimental value, are often misused, and cannot be replaced.
To make matters worse, loan requests usually are a matter of some urgency, to which, the “no loan” policy is often not well received. Any suggestions on crafting a response?
Gentle Reader: How polite do you want to be?
Unless you are in possession of a life-saving device during an emergency, Miss Manners does not require you to lend out your possessions, or even to supply an excuse. So minimal politeness would require only saying, “No, I’m terribly sorry, I can’t.”
At the next level, you could add, “But let me tell you what might help,” supplying the method, source or service that might solve the immediate problem. Top level would consist of saying, “I’ll be right over to fix it.”