Simply Ask If Person Needs Help
Dear Miss Manners: I’ve just begun working with another attorney who has to use a wheelchair, and I’m a bit at a loss. I’ve never had any direct extended dealing with a person who uses one.
On one hand, I have this urge to help, (e.g., to help him pick up things, to open doors, to push the chair along the sidewalk) when he is perfectly capable of doing all those things himself. On the other hand, I have been under the impression that people in wheelchairs don’t necessarily want a lot of help unless they need it or ask for it.
Also, if I forget and say something that is clearly wrong, should I apologize or let it slide? For example, I mentioned that he could take an agency vehicle to a meeting, forgetting that, unlike his personal vehicle, the agency cars do not have the special equipment which would allow him to drive himself. He just mumbled something along those lines and changed the subject.
I would ask my colleague his preferences, but he hasn’t indicated a willingness to talk about it with someone who is simply a co-worker. I don’t know whether he feels I might be skittish about the subject, which I’m not, or whether he doesn’t want to address the matter, and I don’t want to offend or annoy him one way or another.
I can understand why he may not want to bring up the subject. I myself am HIV positive, but, because I’m symptom-free and don’t want a big deal made over it by people at work, I’ve never mentioned it. Another co-worker has let the same condition be known about him, and he has to deal with people constantly asking him, with maudlin sincerity, how he’s doing. They mean well, but he just doesn’t want to be treated differently. Neither do I, and I am under the impression that a wheelchair-bound person probably wouldn’t either.
However, unlike me, who has no outward symptoms and can maintain the privacy of my condition, my disadvantaged co-worker can’t. Sometimes he needs help, and sometimes another person has to acknowledge that he cannot walk.
What is expected of me? Should I wait for him to ask for help? How should I proceed?
Gentle Reader: While it is true that people who use wheelchairs don’t necessarily want a lot of help unless they need it or ask for it, neither do people who don’t use wheelchairs. It is therefore the general rule merely to inquire, when someone seems to be in immediate need, “Would you like any help with that?”
Otherwise, there is no particular reason for you to bring up the subject. As you know from your own situation, it is both embarrassing and tedious to have a permanent condition of your life be the subject of constant attention. Miss Manners assures you that you needn’t worry about a remark that demonstrated that you had forgotten all about it and regarded him as your colleague, rather than your colleague-in-a-wheelchair.
Dear Miss Manners: It seems every time my family has a get-together that another family member will always drag one of their friends with them, as though they are joined at the hip. Some of these friends are very nice, but others have been very obnoxious and aggravating to the other family members.
Should people bringing these friends take into consideration that this is a family get-together and not bring everybody under the sun? Also, what about those relatives that you never see at anything unless there is eating involved; and after they get their bellies full they leave? What does etiquette say about this disturbing practice?
Gentle Reader: The disturbing practice of turning family get-togethers into opportunities to criticize the family? That it is not a lot of fun and never changes anything.
Miss Manners suggests that you take the tolerant attitude that it is flattering that your relatives consider it a treat for their friends to meet the family, and that those who leave after meals have other pressing obligations.