Ask Host To Make Kettle Available

Dear Miss Manners: I am a lady in my late 70s who occasionally is invited to social functions such as cookouts or barbecues at the homes of relatives or friends. There is always an abundance of soft drinks and sodas, as well as beer for the men, but I do not care for those beverages and would dearly love a cup of coffee or hot tea.

I am reluctant to ask my busy hosts to go to the extra trouble of fixing this. Would it be appropriate to bring my own coffee or tea in one of those special mugs that keep things hot?

I’d hate to embarrass my hosts, but young people are slow to understand that a cup of tea for an old lady is more than a liquid to wash down the burger and beans. It is something to cling to during long hours of talking to people, admiring the beauty and smarts of children of all ages and, all too often, fighting off pesky mosquitoes and flies.

Gentle Reader: Thrilled as she is by your description of the power of tea (although maybe it’s not the tea, but you who has to fight off mosquitoes), Miss Manners must reluctantly insist that it is rude to bring your own refreshments to a party.

But she has a hard time making you do without. Perhaps you could say in advance to hosts whom you know really well, “I wonder if you could leave a kettle out and let me slip into the kitchen if I find I crave a cup of tea.”

Dear Miss Manners: After years of strained relations between my father and grandfather, I am not only being asked to be close and welcoming to my grandfather, but also to call his second wife “Grandmother.” It seems natural to call her by her first name. I have only known them a short time.

From family history, I know my grandfather was abusive and unfaithful. I understand the fact he will always be my grandfather, but I feel it is an insult to my grandmother to usurp her standing by calling this lady, with whom my grandfather was unfaithful, “Grandmother.” My grandmother and I are very close, and it seems proper and respectful to keep the title for her.

I have younger sisters, and my parents insist this use of titles is to avoid confusion with the younger children. I just think it makes my grandmother appear to be an outsider, because it seems like Grandfather and his wife are a matched set, and my unmarried grandma is a loose end.

How can I let my parents know I don’t feel comfortable calling someone else “Grandmother,” and that I don’t want to hurt my grandmother’s feelings? I hope you will say that it is all right to call my grandfather’s wife by her first name, even when children are young.

Gentle Reader: The younger children are already confused, and it isn’t going to help to have them address two ladies by the identical term. Nevertheless, you should not be calling a lady two generations above yours (in family structure, if not also in age) by her first name.

Yet a satisfactory solution to your problem is so simple that Miss Manners worries that the inability of all three generations to suggest it is ominous.

Under the best of circumstances, people have two grandmothers and need to distinguish between them. Therefore, it is common to use variations of the term, some formal, some affectionate diminutives. There is no lack of respect implied by telling the lady that “Grandmother” is taken, but that she could be addressed as “Grandmother Jones.”