Having kids is a struggle, but it’s worth the effort

I recently finished John Irving’s wonderful book, “The Cider House Rules.” It was made into a poignant movie in 1999 and primarily deals with the life of an orphan, Homer Wells, and the controversial issue of abortion. The book handles a lot more though, including the concept of family and the fact that there is no clear definition of what a family is, contrary to the ideal nuclear family in the ‘40s and ‘50s.

Like heterosexuals, gays and lesbians have to deal with whether they want children, when they want them, and by what means they will raise them. But unlike heterosexuals, we also have to deal with varying restrictions against gays and lesbians adopting children, and like some heterosexuals, we also choose to learn about procedures such as artificial insemination.

It is all extremely complicated, but gays and lesbians have options. A gay man or couple could ask a female friend or family member to be a surrogate mother via in vitro fertilization (IVF) or artificial insemination (intrauterine insemination/IUI). A lesbian couple could consider the same route, but through different means. For example, a lesbian couple could use IVF by taking an egg from one woman and, after fertilization, having the other woman carry the baby.

But financing these procedures is expensive. The price of IUI is much less than I expected, however – between $300 and $700, depending on the clinic. The more involved process of IVF is about $12,000 to $17,000 for one cycle of IVF, and that’s with insurance, according to www.babycenter.com.

I have always wanted three children when the time is right, which I figure to be at age 29, 31 and 33, for no real reason. When I was single, I believed I would have kids at those ages even if I was still single. I didn’t want to wait until I’m in the upper tier financially to have a child, I just wanted enough money to care for a baby. Now, I’m considering to have children via IUI when the time comes, because it’s less expensive and more personal since IUI does not have to be done in a clinical setting.

The issues remind me of the movie “If These Walls Could Talk: 2.” In the final segment, Ellen DeGeneres and Sharon Stone’s characters are attempting to get pregnant. It is very comical, especially when Sharon Stone accidentally melts the infamous turkey baster. But it is also touching to follow their struggles with artificial insemination.

For a gay couple, struggle is, unfortunately, more prevalent than success when it comes to having a child . Raising a family is also fairly difficult when you have to deal with discrimination and other issues inspired by general ignorance in a primarily heterosexual society, such as when others ask your child who his or her mommy and daddy are. But I think most gay and lesbian families don’t mind the struggle once they experience the love and joy a child brings into their lives.