Manipulative jerk’s insecurity is showing

Hey, Carolyn: Since my new relationship started, I’ve tried to be what my boyfriend calls the “cool girlfriend.” The one who doesn’t get jealous, whiny or overly emotional. Unfortunately, I am not a robot and find myself accepting certain situations over and over again, only to blow up, “Enough about the size of her behind,” on a quiet train, appearing like a crazy person to my boyfriend and other riders. At that point, I become distinctively “uncool” and “just like every other girl.” While I can take his commenting on rump sizes every now and then, I’m not a guy, and I don’t want to have a 20-minute conversation on the rear end of some lady who isn’t me. How am I supposed to handle this? Tell him take me as I am or leave me? That seems a bit extreme. – Washington

You could take the shorter path to girlfriendly coolness: a boyfriend who isn’t a jerk.

He is manipulating you. And you’ve made it really, really easy for him to manipulate you, because you’re so worried about his opinion of you that you haven’t given any apparent thought to your opinion of him.

Do you like him?

More important, I fear you don’t like yourself much. Otherwise you wouldn’t contort yourself into such an unnatural shape, just for one jerk’s attention. “Take me as I am” isn’t a demand you make; it’s a gift you give.

Granted, if you really are jealous, whiny or overly emotional, then yay to wanting to change. But you don’t change negative feelings by suppressing them to make someone else happy; you change them by finding their roots, to make yourself happy.

Again, that’s if you really are jealous or whiny. But since to him jealous or whiny means “just like every other girl,” I’d guess you’re neither, and this is instead the story of a bullying, insecure guy. And, of course, the doormat who loves him.

Even if I’ve guessed wrong: There are plenty of nonjerks out there who can discourse innocently for 20 minutes on a woman’s butt, and plenty of uncoerced women who can happily advance the discussion – and neither you nor your boyfriend sound like one of these people.

And that alone should suffice to remind you there’s a pool of roughly 3 billion candidates (if you’re bisexual, 6 billion!) from which to choose a compatible mate. Please have enough self-respect to believe that.

Carolyn: How would you suggest handling a friendship where Friend A has become increasingly threatened by my friendship with Friend B? Friend A is extremely negative and unhappy – which has always bothered me, but the breaking point was the jealousy. I have no problem ending obviously bad relationships with significant others, but it seems harder with friendships. – D.C.

It can be harder, because there’s less to hide behind – no sparks to blame, no feelings for the ex, no “it’s not you, it’s me.”

But since friendships come with lower expectations – which would you rather juggle, 10 friends or 10 spouses? – there’s also less pressure to end them. Try just telling A outright that you aren’t holding a friend competition, or a whose-life-is-drearier contest. Then A either lightens up, opens up, or you have examples to cite when you decide that you’ve had enough.