Being ‘friends with perks’ risky

Carolyn Hax is away. The following are excerpts from summer 2003 live discussions on www.washingtonpost.com.

Carolyn: Would you mind outlining why being “friends with benefits” is a bad idea? (I get the impression that’s the case.) I’m in a friendship that could turn into that, and I seem to be missing why it could be a bad thing. – Pittsburgh

I don’t like the “bad” or “good” labels here. What I come across most is that FWB arrangements usually involve people who say they can’t see why there’d be a problem with it – when the opportunities for exploitation and denial (of unrequited love) are staring them right in the face.

As long as people are honest with themselves that they’re attempting to reduce a potent emotional situation to almost a business arrangement, and that the arrangement is highly unlikely to stay within whatever neat boundaries they try to draw for it, and that people are likely to get hurt when it doesn’t, then it becomes a matter for adults to decide for themselves.

Carolyn: What’s your standard advice for people in a committed romantic relationship who notice another friendship slipping toward something more? – Scrambling for Control

Don’t try to control! That’s the first thing. You can’t control, and so by trying you’ll only flail around looking desperate and paranoid.

Instead, just keep your eyes open, wait to see if the slipping progresses, then say something kindly and judiciously, along the lines of, “I’ve kept my mouth shut for a while to make sure I wasn’t jumping to conclusions, but I can see you’re attracted to X. Is there something there, and is it something we need to talk about?” (Since we all talk like this when we’re upset, right? But the way I see it, we’re less likely to get lost if we have a steeple to chase.)

And since I can’t beat this point hard enough, the best thing you can do to prepare for this unhappy situation is NOT (not not not) to have set a precedent of getting jealous and paranoid and controlling over every little eyelash-batting incident. Then you have some authority behind your words – and if your partner doesn’t see that, you can say explicitly, “… and you know I’m not one to get jealous over every little eyelash-batting incident, so I hope you’ll respect my judgment here.”

And last: The way you worded your question leaves it open to interpretation whether you’re slipping toward something more with your own friend, or you’re watching your partner slip toward more with his or her friend. So please tell me I’ve blown 10 minutes on the right one.