Carolyn Hax: Kids’ feelings trump grandma’s

Hi, Carolyn: I’m a wife and mom of two boys. My mom lives near us and is a hard person to be around. She is negative, especially to my kids.

I want to have a relationship with her that isn’t based on negativity but I don’t know how. We invited her to an event last night, and she made snarky comments about what my kids were wearing and snapped at them. It ruined a special evening for me.

People tell me how lucky I am to have my parents close by, but my tolerance for the negativity is getting lower.

How can I find some joy in this relationship and also help foster a good relationship with my kids and their grandmother? –S.

It ruined your special evening? How do you think your kids felt under Grandma’s attacks?

I understand your concerns but I am mystified by your priorities.

No. 1 has to be your children’s emotional health. What about their self-worth after having such nastiness routinely directed at them?

How you feel matters, but it’s a distant second.

And how a grandparent scenario is supposed to play out isn’t even on the radar screen.

So here’s a list of suggested priorities with a negative grandparent:

(1) How your kids feel.

(2)

(3) How you feel.

(4) How the grandparent deserves to be treated.

(5) How this whole grandparent thing is supposed to work.

When she says something nasty about your kids, you say, calmly, “What an unkind thing to say to children. You owe them an apology.” If she refuses, “That’s your prerogative – and mine is to end this outing. Kids, stay with Dad, I’m taking Grandma home.”

That tells your boys they deserve civil treatment, and you have their backs when they don’t get it.

And, it sends Mom the message if she wants to see your kids, she leaves her negativity at home or fixes its damage on the spot.