Column

Diane Folland has a pet peeve. “It seems no matter where I am or what I’m attempting to purchase, I’m apparently not shopping fast enough for someone.”

Washington lawmakers have decided that there really is such thing as a free lunch – as long as they don’t gobble more than a dozen of them per annum. This shocker of a ruling came this week from the Legislative Ethics Board, which, I believe, is part of Olympia’s larger Office of Contradictions in Terms.

Here’s how to turn a pumpkin into a jack-o’-lantern, according to local kindergarteners, first-graders and third-graders. (Some of these quoted excerpts were written by the kids themselves and some were told to their teachers.)

What does the yawning gulf in fundraising between Cathy McMorris Rodgers and her challenger, Joe Pakootas, tell us? A lot – and maybe a lot more than David-and-Goliath narratives about political money suggest. Yes, the incumbent has leveraged all the advantages of incumbency – perhaps including the improper mingling of the public’s business with her campaign, which has been the subject of an ethics complaint. And yes, lots of money from out of the district has come into her coffers.

I will send a coveted reporter’s notebook to the Slice reader submitting the best brief proposal for expanding the Marmot Lodge into a national organization. Yes, I know the local lodge does not have a track record of actually accomplishing anything. And, yes, I am aware of the trends dragging down fraternal orders in recent decades.

It’s time again for a Slice Horoscope, the last one of 2014. This is the only zodiac column written by someone who might pass you on a sidewalk or crowd you in an elevator.

OK. Let’s pretend for a moment that you are a Spokane mayor planning on a second term. (Guffaws. Chortles. Giggles …)

Lawerence Denney, the Republican candidate for Idaho secretary of state, last week backed off from statements he made in a debate suggesting he would do away with Idaho’s primary election. “I think you misunderstood what I said,” Denney told reporters during a live debate on Idaho Public TV last week against his opponent, state Rep. Holli Woodings, D-Boise. “Certainly I do believe that a primary election is not necessarily an election at all, it’s a nomination process, and it is a party nomination process, and I think the parties deserve to choose their own candidates.”

You may have forgotten, but last Wednesday was the 58th anniversary of the only perfect-game, no-hitter thrown in the World Series – by Don Larsen of the New York Yankees. Larsen, who now lives in Hayden, blanked the powerful Brooklyn Dodgers 2-0. Everyone was dumbfounded by the feat, including Larsen and famous, longtime Yankees PA announcer Bob Sheppard, who said: “If Nolan Ryan had done it, if Sandy Koufax had done it, if Don Drysdale had done it, I would have nodded and said, ‘Well, it could happen.’ But Don Larsen?” Larsen’s career was otherwise unspectacular. In 14 Major League Baseball seasons, Don posted a record of 81 wins and 91 losses – and a 3.78 earned run average. He may still commemorate his extraordinary feat with a vanity license plate that reads: “DLooo” – for Don Larsen (no runs, no hits, no errors). It doesn’t add up

If you would like for me to come help rake your leaves when the time is right, just get back to me with your answers to these questions. I’ll pick a winner soon and we can make plans.

Like everything, the payday loan industry has migrated to the Internet. Some of that is doubtlessly the mere reality of modern technology. But some of it has come in response to attempts by state and federal regulators to crack down on the scummy practices of many lenders, who entrap people into “short-term” loans they cannot repay, sucking them dry with astronomical interest payments.

Before long, it will be difficult to get their attention. They will be daydreaming and gazing into the future with a far-away look.

This might sound odd. But I wish the parents I know would tell me more about their kids.

The rescue of Runt the Stolen Jeep took place on a north Spokane side street as the Wednesday sun began to set. It was like watching a family reunion.

There’s one in every math class. The kid who slowly trudges up to the whiteboard, grips a marker with a shaking hand, stares hopelessly at the problem and prays for divine intervention. That was me. Divine intervention never arrived, and math and I failed to bond.

You think that this is what your hair is like. You think this is how your skin feels.

Everybody says they want more civility in politics. But there is nothing quite so bracing as an old-fashioned political fistfight in a room full of people who give a damn. Josh Arritola and Rep. Matt Shea swung hard at each other Monday night, in what will probably be the sole debate between the two Republican candidates for a 4th District legislative seat. The room was packed and buzzing, and each candidate was well-prepared with specifics and fast on his feet. As with a prize fight, one might have wondered just who was edified by the spectacle, but it was fun as heck to watch.

Many people are worried about what effect legalizing marijuana in Washington might have on kids. It’s a valid point. Although after what I watched on YouTube Monday morning, I’m actually more concerned by what the wacky weed is already doing to our seniors.

When the features section’s old Pets Page had to be put down in the late spring of 2002, the biweekly Furry Talk column went with it. But every once in a while I hear from a reader who claims to miss a recurring feature of that column — the Q&A with local dogs and cats.